Magic Bullet

There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an expected laugh, a mirror that doesn’t matter anymore. – Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls

Here I am sitting on my couch drinking a coffee while I try to process everything the doctors told me during my two weeks of treatment. I’m back to the reality of my life where all I see is nothing. I’m numb and I have to pinch myself to be sure I’m awake. My friend told me how life changes after this treatment but I’m still the same old me. I guess I just need some time to grasp the reality of life again. Apparently I need some time longer to realize some things. Couple of days in the clinic they told me how they felt I wasn’t there yet, that probably would take me couple of days to “arrive” in the treatment. They were absolutely right. I’m not sure I’ve been dissociating, avoiding thinking about the treatment or was just because I had just taken the exam couple of days prior so I still had it on my mind. In any way I wasn’t fully present in the beginning and it took me some time to realize I was really there. It took me even longer to immerse in the treatment.

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Killing me Softly

Just because you’re breathing it doesn’t mean you’re alive – Tablo

I spent the last two weeks on an intensive psychotherapeutic treatment. The clinic where the treatment took place is specialize psychosomatic diseases. I went with a good friend that recommended to me when I mentioned I was quitting my psychiatric treatment. When he mentioned they work with regression to unveil and treat childhood traumas I knew I needed to give it a chance. Since the beginning I was very anxious about it all, not sure I was scared of eventual memories that could come up or if if was because of the pressure I had for it to work. I kind felt it was the chance (maybe the last one) I had to deal with all so I got afraid it might not work with me. It was a mix feelings of wanting the treatment to work so badly and not wanting to deal with my traumas. I unconsciously was trying to escape so I dissociated a lot during this period. Since the beginning the psychologist already told me he felt I wasn’t really there and he believed it would take me a few days to “arrive to the clinic”. He was right, it took me couple of days to let myself be guided in the regression and allow the memories to flow. Apparently I overthink a lot and I try to rationalize everything. They told me I constantly get stuck on my own mind and usually it only focus on bad things. After a while I let myself be guided but it didn’t mean I believed it was true or that the treatment would work, but at least I finally let myself be guided in that deep sort of relaxation.

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Brick Wall

Her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high. – William Goldman, The Princess Garden

Resistance have been in my mind lately. I quit my therapy couple of weeks ago. I quit because it wasn’t working for me. I tried to give a chance and to believe it would help but unconsciously I didn’t really believe it. I didn’t believe in the process and much less in the results. My psychiatrist told me I was very resistant to the treatment. She said it was like I had a very high and strong wall preventing people to reach me. She told me how I never let people in my life, inside my protective bubble. That I trust untrusting and I get involved not getting intimate. Just before that my gynecologist have told me she felt I was not telling her the whole story. She told me she felt I was like an onion, with layers within layers preventing her to reach the core of my being. And they are absolutely right. I am resistant to be connected with others. I am resistant to get people (really) inside my true self. I get involved in romantic relationships but resist to the deep true connection and mainly to intimacy. I believe in people but always fearing they will betray my trust. I don’t let people get too close to me or to discover who I truly am. They are right, I have a huge wall built around me and it’s practically impossible to break it.

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Lost Dream

“I apologized to the black community but I can no longer pretend, Martin Luther King. That man never had a dream, that dream had him. See, people don’t choose dreams, dreams choose them. So the question I’m getting to is, do you have the courage to grab the dream that picked you? That befit you and grips you; or will you let it get away and slip through?” Everybody Dies but not everybody lives – Prince Ea (Youtube)

It’s been a long time I’m meaning to write about my long lost dream. About my decision to never pursue it and keep hiding like a chicken. I’ve been meaning to write about it but I was scared. Somehow I feel like as soon as I would publish this post (put it out there) it would suddenly become real. The commitment I made with myself to pursue my biggest dream would be posted here for eternity (at least for those who reads my blog). It scares the hell out me because now I would have some sort of accountability. I can no longer give up again (or badly fail) without people knowing about it. Without everyone knowing how big of a failure I am. I would be screaming out loud what I already know deep inside my heart, that I’m just not good enough.

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High

Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain’t got no end
Can’t go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain

You’re gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind

Habits (Stay High) – Tove Lo

I’ve been upset since last night. I was in bed fine until my best guy friend sent me a text. He mentioned how he couldn’t stop listening to the song that makes him think of me. He told me about this particular song before, when he explained me how the lyrics makes him think about me and that I probably could relate to it. The resemblance with my life and my reckless behavior is so obvious that it feels like this lyric could have been inspired by me. It somehow made me upset yesterday although I know his intentions where never to upset or offend me. It made me upset not because I believe he is wrong, but instead because he hit the nail in the head. And no matter how much it upsets me I can’t blame him for truly thinking of me when he listens to this powerful and honest song. The upsetting part is that he can analyze myself (and my behaviors) as well as I do and that’s scary. Upset is the fact that I’m in such immense inner pain that my reckless and meaningless behavior unveil my desperate cry for help. It shows my despair by going through this life of agony and misery.

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Statistic – *(Trigger Warning – Rape and Child Sexual Abuse Content)*

He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Yesterday a shocking feeds new (cruel, enough to stand out among the hundreds of horrific stories we hear everyday) got the attention of the people (I mean, got the attention of the feminists) in my Country. A video showing an underage unconscious girl (and her mutilated genitals) after being raped by 30 men was vastly shared on social media. Most shocking were the supporting and encouraging comments expressed by many (mostly men) who watched this barbaric scene and shared the video on their turn. Shocking were the jokes and insults uttered against that unknown girl. Shocking were the victim blame tactics used to justify and commend the acts of those monsters (I was going to say animals but it would be a blasphemy as not even savage animals behave in such atrocious and vicious manner). Shocking were the silence of so many, implicitly endorsing the rape. Shocking is the extent of rape culture in my country. Shocking is the number of women and girls that are raped, abused, neglected, humiliated, assaulted and killed everyday in our “tropical paradise”. Shocking is the number of men (and women) who commit gender-type of violence and partakes the understanding that women deserve being raped in determined circumstances. Shocking is the number of men who raped and mutilated that young girl: someone’s daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend and (depending on the level of her internal injures) one day will be someone’s mother. Shocking is the level of brutality committed against that girl’s body, that made me remember the 2012 gang rape case in India, a developing country just like mine. Two countries that not only share close economic relations, but also the rape culture. Countries that shameless share very shocking high rates of violence against women in their official statistics. It also makes me remember that (unfortunately) I’m a part of that statistic.

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Good Enough

I can’t…. It’s not possible…. I’m not good enough…

These are the lies the demons of your past use to scare away the possibilities of the present. – Dr. Steve Maraboli

Today is one of those days. One of the days I’m feeling the blues. One of those days where I can’t see the meaning of it all. One of those days I’m not sure if it’s worth keep fighting. I wonder if I will ever win this battle I have with my own mind. I wonder if I will ever become normal, if I will ever find happiness within myself. I wonder if I will ever be someone. I’ve been trying to keep positive and hopeful about the future. I’m constantly saying positive affirmations, meditating, doing physical activities, reading self-help books and researching about the law of attraction. I’m taking all my medication, I’m confident about my treatment, I’m taking very interesting classes and meeting interesting people, I’m studying hard for my new re-found dream and yet I can’t surpass the fear and apprehension about the future. About my faith. I was supposed to be applying for a great job position (the perfect position for me) right now, but instead I’m in bed, feeling sorry for myself. This feeling of not being good enough just paralyzes me. I’m scared of being rejected, once again. As I’ve applied for a similar position couple of weeks ago with this same institution. I didn’t even get a rejection mail and makes me wonder if it’s worth to get my hopes high again by sending this new application.

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Greatness

Your greatness is measured by your horizons -Michelangelo

I’m having this unfamiliar feeling for a while now. This feeling started deep inside of me. In the beginning was just a small glimpse of hope but it slowly flourished. I can feel it growing inside of me. I can feel it under my skin. It feels like a white and bright light coming out of my heart and invading every inch of my body. I have the feeling of greatness. Somehow I have the feeling I’m destined to greatness in life. That we all are. I feel that there’s plenitude for all of us. That the universe want us all to succeed and fulfill our destiny in life. The universe is willing to help us, we just need to dare asking for it. The universe is relentless in trying to communicate with us, we just need to be open minded and listen to it. We need to pay attention to what it’s telling us, there are signs everywhere.

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Life is a Losing Game

I haven’t written in my blog for such a long time. I’ve been meaning to but I just couldn’t. I have so many things going on in my life and on my mind that writing became secondary. My psychiatrist may be right when she said she was scared that me deciding to pursue a long last and lost dream of mine – which entails me concentrating all my attention and time in it – wasn’t a good idea. When I mentioned to her a couple of months ago that I was considering taking this path and entering this life journey she wasn’t supportive like everyone else. She said to me she’s scared I’m starting this strenuous quest just so I can get busy and neglect my treatment. I don’t know if she is right. But I was happy about my decision. I felt excited, enthusiastic and I got faithful about life. I got very hopeful that things were finally going in my favor. Good things seemed to be happening and were slowly filling my heart with joy and light, which is a very nice feeling to have just for a change (I will gladly write about it at an other post). But of course my happiness and hopefulness couldn’t last long. No. Not in my life. Not in my burdensome journey. It seems I’m undeserving of joy and happiness. For unknown reasons the universe just can’t accept me freeing myself from it’s trap. When I finally see some light in the end of the tunnel and start to liberate myself from the chains life come after me. Over and over. She knocks me out and put me back in my rightful place. I just wonder when I will finally have some piece of mind. I keep asking God if I will ever have a break from problems, sickness and misery. I hope I will do soon cause I’m feeling I’m slowly loosing this battle.

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